Oh, joy!

Find something that makes you happy and do it, they said. Do they have any clue how hard it truly is to find something that ultimately fulfills you 100% of the time? This shouldn't be something that is hard to do. No one wants to be miserable. No one wants to be a ball of anxiety and worry. Sure, I have hobbies that make me happy. I have hobbies that I can do to take my mind off of things and fulfill me in the moment. I can take a long walk with my dog and baby girl and take in everything in my surroundings. Smell the fresh air, hear the birds chirping or the dog attacking the window that I just walked by. I can let out a genuine chuckle when my baby watches my dog use the bathroom and laughs out loud. But when I get home and the house is quiet and I should be sleeping, how do I continue to make myself happy. When my thoughts are running so rapid, my vision is legitimately blurry. When I can't look at myself in the mirror because I am ashamed at the things I have not yet accomplished in my life? Then what? Constantly trying to be positive can be just as exhausting as running a marathon. Constantly thinking of ways to fulfill myself in a moment of rapid thinking is genuinely exhausting. Sure, I can take in all the advice I get from people who have absolutely no idea of the dramatic thought process my brain has developed over the years. Here's the thing, I've tried a million different methods to shut these thoughts down, be genuinely happy with myself and not have to try so damn hard to smile and be positive. Some of them I've tried for a few hours, some a few days, some a few months and others much longer. I'll toot my own horn for just a second…. I've come a very very very long way! But I'm not there yet. I work so hard everyday at becoming a better version of myself. You want to know what truly makes me happy? What I do when the house is quiet and I'm left sitting with those really annoying thoughts that jump around and seemingly come out of nowhere? I listen to myself breathe. Loudly. I think about things that I've done in the past few days or weeks that make me happy. Make me truly motivated. Make me breathe. For years, I was told that being a people pleaser was a terrible quality to have. That not giving a damn about people would get you further in life than caring about people. That having compassion for people was a negative character trait and that trusting others would get you hurt. Sure, we are all broken hearted by that untrustworthy person we let close to us at some point in our lives. But me? I thrive off of helping people. This could also be why when I feel hurt I REALLY feel hurt. My heart can be tremendously soft and sometimes it takes a long time to heal. However, I get an actual high when I'm able to help someone through a tough situation, show up to lunch on time, give advice that I just think is amazing, buy someone a cute little gift just because. I am a people pleaser. And I am not ashamed to admit that. Now I will say that this people pleasing quality absolutely came from Dad. Here's why I'm telling you this…. Because it worked! In a moment of weakness, of desperation, of rapid thoughts running around my head, I thought of something I completely took for granted and I genuinely smiled. Then, I laid my head on my pillow and I went to sleep with a clear mind. I remembered something I did that day. I helped someone. Now, this probably sounds silly coming from a 9-1-1 dispatcher because I help people every day. It's literally my job. But it wasnt that. It was the fact that something I struggle with helped someone. An old friend of mine reached out to me about some struggles she was having with her child's anxiety. I'm sure from checking out my blog she found that I struggle with the same thing. I was able to give her tips and tell her the things that I do to relieve my anxiety. She was so grateful and thanked me many times over promising she would keep me updated. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to those updates. I can’t tell you how much this genuinely made me happy. I could sense the hope in her typed message. Now, that's a powerful thing to sense, right? But I felt as though I served a purpose. THAT is what I do to make myself happy. I made this blog, I am writing a book to make others who are struggling with internal issues like myself happy. I couldn't be more proud of myself that an IG post of a picture with myself and a book followed by a blog post, helped someone. It gave them the courage to reach out before the struggle became unbearable. I told her what a good Mama she is for recognizing anxiety in her child at such a young age and I truly meant that. I wasn't just trying to make her feel good, I was trying to remind her of something she already knew! I guess my message is this. Don't ever let anyone suck you dry of your happiness even when you think you should believe what they are saying is true. Just because someone feels like what you are doing is stupid or pathetic, doesn't mean it's true. I literally tried to stop being a people pleaser. I actually really tried to stop caring about others so that I could prevent myself from being “hurt.” I am so glad that this effort was unaccomplished. I forgot for a little bit that this thing I thrive off of makes me happy. Own that thing you do that brings you joy and keep on doing it over and over. And when you're not doing it, think about doing it. Remember, you chose your happiness, no one else! No one else lives in your brain, hears your thoughts, feels your emotions or strives for a better version of you but YOU.

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